black hair care: Need your help- Writing first draft of novel need some feedback here is part of a chapter-?

Chapter 4

A Chance of a Lifetime

鈥淎aron, where is everybody?鈥? I asked as I saw Aaron sitting alone in front of the whaleback ship.鈥淵ou know how it is Kyra鈥攖hey had their own things to do. Last night they came because they were curious who I was, um interested in. That鈥檚 all.鈥? Alone at last! Alone鈥攚ith a dragon! Mister caramel lightly dipped in dark chocolate eyes! The eyes that I felt I could meld into鈥︹€淜yra. Kyra!鈥濃€? Huh?鈥?鈥? Am I so boring that you have to day dream when you鈥檙e with me?鈥?he smirked, gently caressing my cheek.鈥淣o! No! I was just thinking.鈥? Whew, if he only knew the affect his eyes had on me. 鈥淪o Aaron, what are we going to do tonight? Jump in the lake, cascade over mountains, or talk.鈥?I was so busy staring into his eyes that I he had already changed into his dragon form and was flipping me onto his back.鈥?Aiii鈥︹€? I screamed, surprised.鈥淟et鈥檚 talk鈥?I heard him say in my head as we flew low over the water.鈥淏oat! Boat!鈥?was all I could scream as a boat quickly appeared in our path. I closed my eyes not wanting to see the impact. Instead, I felt the slight shift in Aaron鈥檚 body as he coasted out of its path.鈥淵ou can open your eyes now.鈥?he gurgled and snorted. Was he laughing!鈥淵a go ahead and laugh at me鈥?I fumed, 鈥淵ou wouldn鈥檛 think it so funny if we would have crashed.鈥? His gurgling and snorting continued, he was laughing so hard his body was shaking, tickling me as I hung on.鈥淪top.. hahaha鈥?that!鈥?br> We landed at top of the Aerial Lift Bridge.

The glow of the Duluth/Superior lights were all around us as I gawked at the pristine beauty of the lights, lake and the night. I could see small white shapes floating, reflecting the city lights on the lake.

鈥淭hose are seagulls.鈥濃€淪eagulls? I thought they would find some warm, dry place to sleep on land.鈥?鈥? Seagulls are opportunists. They sleep in their nests when the have young otherwise they sleep anywhere they are away from their predators, and I don鈥檛 think Lake Superior has many predators that can eat a live healthy seagull.鈥濃€? Do you eat seagulls?鈥濃€? Na, some of the others do but for me they鈥檙e too feathery. Yuck! Last time I tried one it took me weeks to get the feathers out of my teeth!鈥? I hope he brushes his teeth! Yuck! Carefully, he set me down on the beam he had been standing on鈥攃hanging back. The winds off the lake scared me, as they blew I had to struggle to maintain my footing.鈥淎aron!鈥? I cried as my feet slipped out from under me. I was falling!鈥淕otcha!鈥?he said in my ear. We were both sitting down, me in his lap, and his strong-arms tightly around me. We sat there in silence鈥攚atching. Watching鈥攖ogether鈥攊n his arms鈥攃louds float by, the ships cast in darkness on the lake- rolling with a glimmer of light. 鈥淜yra, what did you want to ask me?鈥? His breath tickled my ear.鈥淗uh? Oh!鈥? I said as his voice seeped through the fog of my mind. 鈥淚 wanted to know why are there dragons here and why this area? In all the books I read, dragons exist everywhere but here!鈥? 鈥? Dragons like humans are everywhere. It鈥檚 just we choose to live hidden鈥攊f most humans knew we really did exist, they would try to put us in zoo鈥檚 and dissect us; trying to find out whether we were more like lizards or snakes. Through history we have learned that humans kill what they are afraid of, even themselves鈥︹€?

I kissed him. On the cheek- I couldn鈥檛 help myself- he seemed so, sad.

鈥淲e would rather live in our dragon form, but with humans, living almost everywhere on the earth鈥攊f we wanted to survive鈥攚e didn鈥檛 have a choice.鈥滻 started to think about what might happened if someone, anyone who was not willing to keep their secret proved Aaron and his kind existed and who they were as humans.鈥淎aron, can you choose what you look like as a human?鈥濃€淣o, we can only choose the age.鈥濃€淵our age! How old are you, as a dragon?鈥? I never thought about how long the legends said dragons could live. I guess I just assumed he was my age even in dragon. 鈥淗mm.. about 225 years old. Give or take a couple years.鈥濃€? 225! Than why are you hanging out with me? I鈥檓 a little young aren鈥檛 I?鈥滱aron explained to me how dragon age and human age is not the same; just like a dog鈥檚 age is not really the same as a human. That in approximation of dragon age he was about the same age as me and had as much to learn about the world as I did. 鈥淔eel better?鈥?he laughed, hugging me tighter.鈥淵es much better, I was starting to think all I was to you was a plaything.鈥濃€淣ever! Are you hungry?鈥濃€? A little. Why are you?鈥濃€? Famished!鈥?br> Did he say famished? Oh no! I never asked him if he ate humans!

鈥淯mm鈥攜ou don鈥檛 eat people do you?鈥? 鈥淥nly those that annoy me.鈥? He laughed, teasingly. Whew, that was a relief. Feeling playful鈥擨 leaned close to his ear and whispered, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 annoy you do I.鈥?

Aaron grabbed me and threw me up into the air of the brisk moonlit night. My scream lost in my throat. He won鈥檛 let me fall to my death- right? I was only teasing. I felt the wind blow against my body鈥攕uffocating me as I tried to scream-I was going to pass out! I watched as the ground rose to meet me. 鈥淎aron WHAT did I do?鈥? I tried to scream when all of a sudden I was jerked hard upright, thrown into the air once again and landed safely on Aarons back. 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry; I didn鈥檛 mean to scare you. Let鈥檚 go eat!鈥? Eat鈥攅at鈥攄oes he think I feel like eating after almost crashing to my death because of him?鈥淚鈥檓 NOT hungry. Humph鈥︹€? I said, kicking him in the side.鈥淚 said I was sorry鈥攚hat more do you want?鈥? Does he think I am going to talk to him, after what he did?鈥淜yra, I was just playing. Please, please believe me when I tell you I would have never let anything happen to you!鈥濃€? PLAYING, PLAYING! YOU call that playing?鈥濃€? I guess to someone who can鈥檛 fly, I can understand how they wouldn鈥檛 think that as playing.鈥濃€? You got that right!鈥?br> We landed in a secluded area on the rocky shores of Canal Park.鈥淲here to?鈥濃€淔ollow my lead.鈥? Aaron said once he changed in human form, holding my hand in his and led the way. We only had to walk a little ways before arriving at a restaurant.

鈥淗ave you ever eaten here Kyra?鈥?br> 鈥淵a, the food鈥檚 yummy.鈥?br> 鈥淵ummy?鈥?br> 鈥淵es, yummy.鈥?br> He looked confused. Hasn鈥檛 he ever heard the word yummy before? He ordered a big steak with all the works, and I politely said, 鈥淭he same!鈥?as the server took our order. He looked surprised but not as surprised as I was for how bold I was being. Why not? Didn鈥檛 he throw me off the top of the Arial Lift Bridge? A girl can really work up an appetite once the shock wears off a near death experience.

鈥淚 guess you鈥檙e afraid that this might be your last meal?鈥? Aaron said as he laughed from across the table.鈥淎aron, what do people think when at school you鈥檙e in a wheelchair and out of school your not?鈥濃€淚 just make sure to avoid them. Usually after school I am at places they aren鈥檛鈥攗nless of course they can change into birds.鈥?鈥? Why the wheel chair? You don鈥檛 need it?鈥滱aron explained to me how he chose to be in a wheelchair at school; that he couldn鈥檛 walk鈥攅ven if he tried. 鈥淲hy? How can you walk one minute and than not the next? I don鈥檛 understand.鈥?br> 鈥淲e all do鈥攕ometime during our lives.鈥?br> He looked so uncomfortable鈥攁s if he was telling me a deep dark secret.

鈥淪o鈥攈ow about those Twins,鈥?I chirped.

鈥淭wins, aren鈥檛 they baseball? We鈥檙e in football season now.鈥?br> I smacked my head with the palm of my hand. How could I forget it was football season? I lived on the Wisconsin-Minnesota border鈥攁ll the rivalry going on between Packer and Viking fans was almost as interesting as the sport itself. Our talking ebbed as our food arrived鈥?shoveling bite after bite as if we were starving in our hungry mouths.

鈥淲e have to hurry or you鈥檙e going to be late!鈥? Aaron said after he paid for our food and left a sizable tip for the server.We rushed out the door, running down the street towards the white and black lighthouse on Canal Park. 鈥淲hy鈥攁re鈥攚e going there?鈥? I asked Aaron when we were half way there.鈥淧eople on the rocks,鈥?was all he said as he grabbed my hand and hurried me along. With a flick of his wrist, I was cast into the air, landing on his back with a thud. I hadn鈥檛 even realized Aaron had changed into a dragon all ready. 鈥淗ow do you do that!鈥? I called to him as the wind whipped my voice away, making it a whisper.鈥淗ow do I do what?鈥濃€淐hange into a dragon so quickly? Isn鈥檛 it difficult?鈥濃€? It is more difficult for me to change into human form than it is my original form-think about it?鈥?

I suppose it would be just as difficult for a human to change into a dragon鈥攖he scales instead of hair, big pointy teeth, and razor sharp claws instead of finger nails. I could name a few people who probably wouldn鈥檛 have any difficulties with the claws, since they always seem to have them bared and ready to use. 鈥淗a ha ha,鈥?I was laughing so hard tears streamed down my cheeks鈥擜aron had to shift to balance me鈥擨 almost fell off Aaron鈥檚 back.鈥淲hat鈥檚 so funny that you could have fallen to your doom?鈥濃€淐laws!鈥? I cried and laughed even harder.鈥淐laws? What is so funny about claws?鈥?As we landed in the alley behind my house, I tried to explain to him how some people seemed too always have their claws out. He did not understand until I used a few examples using some kids from school. 鈥淥h, I get it!鈥滻 wasn鈥檛 sure he did, but I think he understood a little better before I told him goodbye and gave him a quick peck on the cheek 鈥?running into the house so I would not be late.

鈥淜yra! I was worried about you. I tried to call you on the cell phone for the last hour and you did not answer. Well, young lady?鈥? My dad stood in the kitchen with his feet firmly planted shoulder with apart; with his hands on his hips, and glared at me as if I had committed a cardinal sin. He only acted like this when I was seriously in trouble.鈥淗i Honey. Did you have a good time tonight?鈥? Mom said as she walked in the kitchen and stood next to my dad. She must have heard him because before I could answer she asked for her cell phone back.鈥淗ere you go mom.鈥? I said sheepishly as I unclipped the cell phone from my belt and handed it to her. She flipped her phone open, checking it, holding it up for my dad to see than whispered something in his ear as she mouth to him the words 鈥榮orry鈥?

鈥淚鈥檓 sorry Kyra. Your mom just informed me that she forgot to turn the ringer and vibrate on, before she gave it to you. Next time you use her cell phone-- please check that it is on.鈥? I stood there in disbelief, how lucky I was at that moment. If the ringer or vibrate had been turned on I would have been grounded to my room for at least a week.鈥淜yra, I was just worried something happened to you. I love you.鈥?I hadn鈥檛 run up to my dad in years and hugged him, tonight was an exception. 鈥淚 love you too dad.鈥? I said as I squeezed him as tightly as I could. He had been so busy much of my life I had almost forgotten how worried he got when I wasn鈥檛 safe at home.

When I was in sixth grade, I went to my first sleep over at a friend鈥檚 house for her birthday. She lived a long way out in the country, on a farm. While I was getting my stuff ready to go to her sleepover, there was a breaking news report on the television about a recent bear attack in the area. My dad had been so worried that a bear might break into her house and maul me that he forbade me to go to the sleep over. It wasn鈥檛 until my mom鈥檚 reassurance that I would be safe-- that the news report said, 鈥渢he attack was from a bear attacking campers in their tents- who did not secure their food properly- not their homes; did my dad finally lift my restriction on going to the party. As my mom and I walked out the door to drive there, he hugged me as if he was never going to see me again. I laughed when the next day my mom told me my dad had dreamed that he was fighting off bears all night, which made it impossible for her to get any sleep out of concern that he might mistake her for a bear.

I dragged myself up the stairs to my room-- dead tired-- I guess all this flying around as a passenger is starting to wear me out. I still had the riddles to solve鈥攖onight I did get some answers only to find more questions. 鈥淕oodnight Kyra,鈥?my mom said softly as she pulled my quilt over me, kissing my forehead gently goodnight. 鈥淕--night mom.鈥? I mumbled as I drifted off to sleep.

It was still dark when I woke up; my heart pounding in my chest as I jumped to my feet鈥攔eady to protect myself from the threat I felt. I glanced defensively around my room, noticing nothing out of the ordinary. That was until I saw a blurred reddish brown 鈥搘hat looked to be a weird handprint on my glass outside my window. As my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I could see that the print was indeed of a hand鈥攁 hand just like Aarons in dragon form. 鈥淎aron!鈥? My mind screamed out his name. It was all I remembered as I woke to the sun shinning through my still scarred window, waking me up for a new day.

Chapter 5

The Note

鈥淣othing鈥?but a little late fall house cleaning,鈥?I told my mom as she stood in my doorway watching me clean my window. The windows of our house tilt in for cleaning otherwise I would be frantic about how I was going to hide the bloody print sticky solidly to the middle of the glass. I could only wonder if Aaron was playing some sort of prank, was he injured somehow, or if one of the other dragons did this.

鈥淜yra, I know I usually harp to you to clean your room. It鈥檚 forty degrees outside this morning and I do not think now is a good time to clean outside windows.鈥?br> I knew she was right. It was getting chilly in my room from having my window tilted open but I was sure she would be freaked out if I had left it the way it was.

I got dressed quickly, and ran downstairs to the kitchen. My mom was in her usual spot at the table 鈥?cup of coffee in hand鈥攏o dad in sight.

鈥淲here鈥檚 dad?鈥? I asked her as I finished pouring a bowl of cereal for myself.

She looked up from the book she had been reading, 鈥淒id you forget he had to go to work this morning as usual?鈥?

Now I did it! I made her mom radar go off by asking her something I should have known.

Nervously I Sloshed the milk, I was trying to pour, over the count top 鈥淥ops! I鈥檒l clean it up.鈥? I said as I quickly grabbed a towel.

鈥淲hat is wrong with you today Kyra. First you鈥檙e up this morning cleaning your window than forgetting your dad has to work today- it鈥檚 not like you- what鈥檚 wrong?鈥?br> I wanted to tell her about everything. Aaron and his friends being dragons, flying and about the bloody claw print鈥擨 was afraid. I was afraid if I did tell her and she believed me she would ground me forever or if she didn鈥檛 believe me I would feel betrayed- betrayed that she didn鈥檛 trust me enough not lie to her about something this serious. So-- I did the best thing I could do at the time.

Shrugging my shoulders as I spooned mouthfuls of globules into my mouth I mumbled, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 know.鈥? A safe response that most children learn as soon as they can talk to defend themselves from things they do not want to answer.

I felt guilty as I watched my mom silently get up to pour herself some more coffee. My mom like some adults never forgot what it was like being an adolescent; she knew exactly what I was doing. As I glance over to her empty seat I saw the book she had been reading, 鈥楴orse Mythology鈥? it was identical to the one I saw Aaron reading in school.

鈥淢om! Where did you get that book?鈥?

Startled by the urgency in my voice she turned quickly, knocking her cup off the counter and onto the floor.

鈥淐alm down,鈥?she said as she stooped to clean up the mess. 鈥淚 found it in your backpack. I鈥檓 sorry if I upset you鈥擨 didn鈥檛 think you would mind.鈥?br> 鈥淥h, no mom, I don鈥檛 mind鈥擨 just forgot I had that book, that鈥檚 all.鈥? I said as I shoved the book roughly into my backpack.

I glanced cautiously at her to see if she believed me鈥攕he did. My stomach felt like it was churning as I realized鈥攕he believed me and this time I had lied to her.

What was I doing? I never lied to my mom before鈥攚e had an honesty policy. Our 鈥榟onesty policy鈥?was an agreement my mom and I created together when I was a little girl. It said that we were never to lie to one another unless it was extreme circumstances like the year dad planned a surprise party for my mom and I wasn鈥檛 supposed to tell her鈥攂ecause if I did, it would have wrecked the surprise. Otherwise, we were to be honest with each other.

I didn鈥檛 really lie though-- I just used the word forgot rather than didn鈥檛 know-- Maybe I really did forget with all the things happening. Just maybe, Aaron gave me the book and I unconsciously put it in my backpack. Great! Now, I was lying to myself.

鈥淥h this fell out of your book,鈥?she said handing me a tattered folded piece of paper. 鈥淚n case you鈥檙e wondering,鈥?she continued, 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 open it. I respect your privacy.鈥?br> This morning was turning out to be one of those days when you wished you stayed safe in bed. Filled with guilt for the partial lie and now her declaration of how she respects my privacy I did the only thing I could do.

I smiled an uttered a 鈥淭hanks mom,鈥?stuffing the note in my back pocket as I leaned in and kissed her on the cheek before I grabbed my coat and out the door, walking quickly to the bus stop.

Once at school, I scanned the hallways in between class, hoping to catch a glimpse of Aaron, Andrea or some recognition of any of the other dragons I saw in human form my first night at Barkers Island.

Class after class went by without seeing any of them鈥擨 was hopeful, that at lunch Andrea would be there, for my mind was consumed by theories about the bloody hand/claw print.

鈥淭hat maybe it wasn鈥檛 blood at all but red clay. Aaron could have gotten it on his hands/claws before he put the book in my backpack when I was sleeping鈥? or 鈥渋t was just a prank one of the other dragons was pulling to scare me.鈥?br> Though my theories were plausible鈥擨 could find loopholes in all of them鈥攅xcept two--, one that Aaron was hurt and the other that it was a prank. If only I could find Aaron or Andrea, they might know.

Lunchtime came and I decided to buy my lunch. The line wasn鈥檛 very long鈥攇rabbing an apple, a salad, and a bottle of water鈥擨 proceeded to the cashier.

She looked bored as she said, 鈥?2.20鈥?while she held out her hand for the money.

I reached in my back pocket pulling out the cash I had stashed there when I noticed the note that had fallen out of the 鈥楴orse Mythology鈥?book this morning. Hanging on to my two one-dollar bills and fishing in my front pocket for the twenty cents- finding two dimes. I dropped the money into her hand, snatched up my tray, scanned for a seat where Andrea (if she was at school) could find me, and a little privacy to look at the tattered folded paper. I found the perfect table. It was close to the cafeteria doors鈥攕o that Andrea wouldn鈥檛 miss me鈥攁s well as the space was busy enough for now one to care about what I was doing.

I opened the paper carefully; afraid if I hurried I would tear it, and spread the note out in front of me.

飦傦仭飦仼飦筹仺飦ワ仱飥狅仱飦诧仭飦э伅飦伋飥狅仼飦€狅伌飦仴飥狅伄飦╋仹飦伌飥?br> 飦冿仭飦碉伋飦╋伄飦э€狅伂飦伌飥э伋飥狅伅飦︼€狅仺飦碉伃飦★伄飥狅仸飦诧仼飦э仺飦达€?br> 飦冿仺飦伃飦帮€狅伅飦仴飥€狅亙飦伅飦伆飥狅伌飦凤伅飥€狅亙飦伅飦伆飥狅伌飦伈飦ワ仴飥狅伅飥狅€狅€?..

飦曪伄飦达仼飦€€狅伌飦仴飦癸€狅仭飦诧仴飥狅伀飦伅飦ｏ伀飦╋伄飦э€狅仭飦达€狅伖飦伒飦诧€狅仱飥狅€狅€狅伅...

飦堬仴飦★仱飥狅伌飦仴飦€狅伅飦︼仸飥狅仭飦伖飦凤仭飦癸€狅伖飦伒飥狅仯飦★伄飥?br> 飦擄伅飥€狅伌飦仴飦癸€狅仯飦★伄飦伅飦达€狅仮飦伌飦仴飦诧€狅伃飦★伄飥?br>

I know I have seen symbols like this somewhere, but where; maybe in history class when we were studying ancient Egypt.

鈥淗ey, I heard their serving 鈥榳ing dings鈥?today!鈥? A student said loudly to his pal as they walked to the lunch line, disrupting my thoughts.

All through lunch, I studied the note trying to decipher any of it, while automatically taking bite after bite out of my apple. The salad was forgotten.Br-i- ng鈥?the bell rang out; time to move on to my next class. Disappointed, I jammed the note in my backpack, stuffed the leftover lunch in the trash, hopeful that Aaron would be in Biology to ease my fears and explain what was going on.

In the hallway my head started throbbing, at first a dull pain just behind my ear, it steadily increase as I made my way to class. 鈥淪tress headache,鈥?I muttered, trying to comfort myself as the pain in my head amplified.

鈥淜yra.. Kyra鈥︹€? I heard someone behind me whisper, I turned around towards the sound to see who said it, but all I saw were a sea of faces bobbing to their next class. I must be imagining it, I thought. Until I heard my name, being whispered again only this, time more urgent. 鈥淲hat!鈥? I replied, frustrated as I abruptly spun around and smacked into Mr. Wilson my biology teacher, almost knocking him off his feet. He was so shocked he could only sputter and shake his head as I offered him a quick apology and scooted off to my next class hoping the time would go by quickly. As I sat in class waiting for it to be over; the thrum in my head worsened, I started to shiver from the pain. 鈥淛ust a little bit longer,鈥?I coaxed myself trying to hold out until biology. Than I would ask Mr. Wilson for a pass to go to the nurses office, but only after I talk to Aaron.

鈥淜YRA!鈥? I heard someone scream, as I started trembling uncontrollably as an intense pain tore through my head. Blinding me as my body plummeted off my chair down to the cold tiled floor. I never heard the bell ring for biology.

鈥淜yr.. ra..,鈥?a ghostly voice whispered in the night; the moon lighting up everything around me in an ethereal blush; I saw waves undulating far below me, embracing the rocks that jutted maliciously out of the water, reaching for me, calling my name. I teetered on the edge of the precipice imploring my body not to reply. I could only watch, feeling the alarm rise up in me as my arms reached out to them. 鈥淜y鈥a鈥?they called, 鈥渃ome to us..鈥? I wobbled, resisting, as my feet stirred moving closer to the edge. Amongst the waves, sitting on the largest rock I could see a gloomy figure, battered and bloody looking up at me with big sad eyes. 鈥淜yr.. Ra鈥?it called up at me, 鈥淩UN!鈥? The dark silhouette鈥檚 command shocked me out of my stupor. Regaining control over my body and mind, I spun around and ran howling 鈥淣oooo鈥?鈥?as I realize the broken figure on the rocks, had been Aaron in his dragon form. I found myself running through the wood, branches slashing, grabbing at me trying to stop my plight. When I could run no more, I tumbled to the ground and sobbed. I wept for Aaron, wondering if he was still alive or if the crashing tide washed him away. I cried for myself, lost, afraid, and confused. Wondering how I got to the cliff when my last memory was of me sitting safe in my class at school, waiting for the bell to ring, for my next class was biology. The only class I had Aaron in; who might hold the answers that I needed.

A shadow flickered across the ground. Looking up I saw a large dark shape looming just above the trees, directly over my head. I crouched lower, burying my head in my arms, trying to shield myself from its view. 鈥淜yr.. ra,鈥?it sang to me, it words vibrating through my mind, 鈥渄on鈥檛 be afraid.鈥? I heard the rustling of branches as it made its decent. I looked up, startled to see Andrea, my friend, looming over me. She was more beautiful than I remember, as the moonlight shimmered in waves off her dark lavender scales. I tried to find the words to tell her about Aaron, to ask her what was happening, as she gently picked me up and placed me on her back. 鈥淗ang on,鈥?she called, her voice soft as a lullaby 鈥淚鈥檓 here to bring you home.鈥?br>Need your help- Writing first draft of novel need some feedback here is part of a chapter-?

Ok...

What you have in your present manuscript is basically a plot outline. It reads ok as play by play but it needs to be more descriptive and draw the reader in. I will try to give you an example, but it will not necessarily fit the character or relationships you are creating. One more point, try to use 3rd person in your narration. It is a bit of a fine sticking point, but 1st person is considered a bit to egocentric for most writing.

Example:

From across the ripening fields or wheat, etched in frames of thatched village hearth smoke, the dragon and child played. Sinister scales of crimson and royal purple reflected the late October sun's last rays as if surrounding them in breathed flame, and yet no malice shown in a dance of equals of friends even from so far away their laughter could not be heard.